Below is an excerpt from an article we found that goes into the depths of Self Worth. Please read on to see if it resonates with you and can help you in any way on your self love journey.
Self-worth means believing that you’re fundamentally worthy as a person. It’s often used interchangeably with words such as self-esteem and self-respect – but self-worth is much more rudimentary. When we lack self-worth, an innate sense of dignity is missing.
The Cambridge dictionary elaborates and defines self-worth as “the value you give to your life and achievements.”
Although these two words are used synonymously, they’re not the same.
There’s actually a hierarchy of importance here. Self-worth comes before self-esteem. Self-worth is the foundation – it’s like the trunk and roots, and self-esteem’s like the branches.
Without self-worth, self-esteem is shallow and unstable. Can you imagine what a tree would be like without its trunk and roots? Yes, that’s right: a tree would be reduced to a pitiful pile of leaves and branches. And that’s what happens when we don’t have the foundation of self-worth.
Self-worth is believing that you’re fundamentally worthy, whereas self-esteem is feeling good, or confident, about yourself.
Can you have self-esteem without self-worth? Yes. Just look at narcissists. They exude self-esteem (or self-confidence) so much so that it’s toxic to other people. But the issue here is that they don’t possess self-worth. Their narcissism is a mask or defence mechanism against the tremendous feelings of unworthiness that they carry inside. (In psychology, this is called reaction-formation.)
So, you see, self-worth is something we need to learn and strengthen, for without it, we become like doormats or narcissists.
As Dr. Christina Hibbert explains:
Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.
But how do you know if you’re suffering from low self-worth? We’ll explore that next …
Look out for the following:
Tell me in the comments, how many of these signs can you relate to?
So, WHY do we develop low self-worth?
Well, you know that low self-worth is really a way of protecting yourself from being vulnerable, right?
We develop low self-worth for two reasons:
In a nutshell, low self-worth is a product of fear and a fundamental misunderstanding about who we are.
I’ll break this down in the next two parts:
A childhood trauma is a deeply distressing event that happened when we were children. We’ve all experienced traumas, and they form the basis of the core wounds we carry.
How did they develop? Well, the core wounds that derived from our childhood traumas were a natural part of growing up. As young children, there was a point where we began to understand our powerlessness and limitations and the power that our elders (parents, older siblings, caretakers, etc.) had over us. That itself was traumatising.
We learned very quickly that we were punished when we did something “bad” according to these more-powerful-elders and rewarded when we did something “good.” As a result, we learned to adopt a mask or external persona that would protect us and keep us in the good favor of others.
Unfortunately, if we had parents who weren’t mentally or emotionally mature, we may have adopted beliefs about ourselves as young, vulnerable children that served to destroy our basic sense of self-worth.
For example, our parents may have said things like “No! You’re being bad!” and smacked us. Or we may have been compared to another sibling, had a family member constantly criticise us or even sexually assault us. We may have been neglected by overly-busy parents, humiliated by our siblings, or generally looked down upon by one or both parents.
All of these situations served to teach us the flawed belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with us.
Core wounds are the fundamental underlying beliefs that we carry about ourselves. Examples include, “I am stupid,” “I am ugly,” and “I don’t deserve to be happy.”
In the context of low self-worth, the main core wounds we carry sound like the following:
As psychologist P. T. Mistlberger:
There may be said to be two fundamental lies that form the basis of the personal self and its faulty self-image (which creates our overall sense of personal limitation). These are 1. ‘I am a flawed, bad person’ and 2. ‘I must change or fix myself to correct this problem’. These two premises form the basis of the ‘core wound’.
Of course, to our conscious minds, these core wounds may sound silly. After all, most of us don’t go around consciously telling ourselves these things.
But we do unconsciously.
In fact, core wounds are like broken records that keep skipping at the same place ad nauseam, within our unconscious minds. These vampiric little slugs that feed off our fear are ancient: they were formed at a very young age and continue to be fed throughout our lives.
Unfortunately, at some point, we actually seek out ways to feed these core beliefs and reinforce our faulty ideas about ourselves because it provides us with a sense of safety.
This sounds absurd, right?
Well, there is a strange logic to it. I’ll explain that next …
The second reason why we develop low self-worth is to protect ourselves against what we fear – or what we’ve been conditioned to fear.
What do we fear?
Well, primarily, we fear the following:
The first one is a no-brainer.
When we possess low self-worth, we’re constantly trying to please and appease others. We become people-pleasers who are invested in gaining approval because that’s how we think we’ll survive. In a sense, we are regressing to our infant fears of being rejected (and therefore susceptible to literally dying), not realising on an unconscious that we’re adults now.
When we do gain the temporary approval (or “love”) of others, we feel safe. We no longer feel the horrific looming fear within us of being rejected or abandoned. On an unconscious level, we’ve escaped death. But those feelings are fleeting. Unfortunately, because we lack a fundamental sense of self-worth, we must continue seeking approval from others – and the cycle goes on and on.
The second fear is a little bizarre …
Fearing our own power … what the hell does that even mean?
You’d think power would make us feel safe and strong, right? Wrong. We are scared of our power because we’ve been conditioned to fear it. We’ve been conditioned to suppress it, to reject it, to demonise it.
Our “power” symbolises who we truly are on an authentic level beyond all the masks.
But because we were punished for being authentic as young children, we equate our true selves with suffering. We equate it with the rejection of our primary caretakers. We equate it with the fear of death.
As Marianne Williamson famously put it:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We develop low self-worth as a way of protecting ourselves from our own power – the very power that caused us to be rejected as young children.
But we aren’t children any longer. It’s time to update the internal hard drive and “download some updates” to put it in a geeky way.
Consider this a short addendum to the above discussion:
low self-worth can actually be inherited.
Borrowing the term “original sin” from the Christians, low self-worth is a shadow self issue that can be passed from generation to generation unchecked.
If the members of one generation haven’t done their own inner work, they are likely to unconsciously pass on their feelings of shame and guilt (“original sin”) to their children, who then mirror their parents.
So if you’re wanting to work through your low self-worth, be proud.
You might be grappling with an ancestral shadow. And finally, you have the unique opportunity to nip it in the bud and prevent future generations from suffering.
Above I’ve mentioned that one of the reasons why we develop low self-worth is due to being afraid of our own power.
But what’s at the root of that?
In two words: soul loss.
Why are we conditioned to fear our own power in the first place by our parents? Well, it’s not only because they may have been mentally/emotionally immature – it’s also because they’re spiritually disconnected. In other words, they’ve lost touch with their own souls.
Soul loss is a worldwide phenomenon. It’s the result of living in a scientific-reductionist and materialistic society that rejects anything sacred or mysterious.
If you’d like to read more about this (and why it may be at the root of your low self-worth), check out our soul loss article.
There are a number of crucial reasons why self-worth is essential for health and happiness – some include the following:
The list goes on.
Now that we’ve covered why low self-worth occurs, and why it’s so important, how do we get it?
While I can’t guarantee that all of the practices below will always work for you, I can guarantee that if you practice any of these paths persistently and sincerely, you will experience an increasing level of self-worth. And eventually, your self-worth will become so second-nature that it will become unconditional:
Mantras are statements that are repeated over and over again. In the West, mantras are often referred to as ‘affirmations.’
To discover your core beliefs, I encourage you to pay attention to the little voice in your head. What does it chatter about during the day? What fears emerge? What unhealthy patterns of behavior do you keep repeating? Write your observations down in a journal. Eventually, you’ll notice certain themes and insecurities arising.
Once you’ve pinpointed the core beliefs you have about yourself (e.g., “I’m a loser,” “I always hurt people,” “I deserve to be punished,” “I’m boring” etc.), you can then counteract them through a mantra.
Try choosing or creating a mantra that is the exact opposite of your core wound. For example, if you discover that one of your core beliefs is “I am worthless,” you may like to deprogram that belief and replace it with “I am worthy and I love who I am.”
At first, you’ll feel a bit cheesy or skeptical of this mantra, but that’s only because your mind has been conditioned to believe the opposite. After a while (I’m talking about three months or so), you’ll start to see significant changes arise in your thinking patterns, behaviours, and feelings.
Alternatively, you could search for some affirmations on the internet or in your favourite self-help book. Choose one that gives you goosebumps (in a good way) or which makes you feel a hint of empowerment. Stick with that mantra and repeat it every day.
Try this practice every day for at least ten minutes (ideally during a meditation practice – but even better all throughout the day) for three months. Try to infuse your mantra with as much heartfelt sincerity as possible because the unconscious mind pays more attention to emotion than words (and the unconscious mind is where all the magic happens).
As philosopher and scholar, Ken Wilber writes:
Maslow called the fear of our own greatness “the Jonah complex,” and many of us have some degree of that—so give yourself permission to discover, re-own, and step into, your own authentic greatness!
How can we possibly feel good or worthy when we’re living a version of ourselves that is not real or authentic?
Our interactions, our feelings about ourselves, indeed, our very lives will always feel false when we are hiding behind the fearful masks that we’ve adopted as children.
In order to reclaim what you have repressed, you’ll need to practice inner child work and shadow work. Both of these forms of inner work are ideal ways to dig up what has been repressed and shut away within you.
One of the most powerful methods I’ve found for practicing both inner child and shadow work is something known as mirror work. I recommend hopping over to that article and learning how to practice mirror work so that you can get started on reclaiming your power and authenticity.
It’s impossible to just stop people-pleasing cold turkey. That pattern, most likely, has been ingrained in you for a very long time.
But it is possible to slowly channel that energy to new means: self-care. Does that sound selfish? It might. But the reality is that by learning how to care for yourself, you will learn how to genuinely care for others. Your care won’t be tainted by unconscious needy motives (e.g., the need to be validated), instead, it will be fuelled by the genuine desire to help others.
Every time your mould yourself to be a certain way around someone, do one thing for yourself and only yourself. That might mean making yourself a hot cup of tea, taking a mindful breathing break, eating something nourishing, or spending some time alone to rejuvenate your energy.
If you need more inspiration, check out our guides on how to love yourself and developing more self-care.
Journaling is a wonderful, refreshing form of catharsis. Not only will it help you to emotionally feel better, but it will help you to gain mental clarity surrounding your low self-worth.
I recommend journaling every day for at least five minutes and doing some introspection. How did your day go, what made you happy or sad, what did you notice about yourself?
For exploring your self-worth, I recommend journaling about the following questions:
You may like to revisit your answers in the future and see if they shift and change. If anything, you’ll get an interesting glimpse into your mind and thought processes after journaling about these questions.
Journaling boosts your self-worth by empowering you with self-understanding and self-knowledge. And as they say, knowledge is power.
It’s not dependant on what kind of job you have, whether you’re single or married, whether you’re ugly or attractive, or whether you’re living off food stamps or a 500K income.
Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.
Your value doesn’t decrease based on what you do or don’t do, have or don’t have.
Your value is innate. You are amazing just as you are.
Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash
